Pen These Things

Walking Backwards

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:10:51 GMT

That talks-to-himself person?
That walks-with-wolves person?
Ah,
No.
He is just the streetsinger,
Snipping your conscious flow of
Mind.
Cancelled out of time by the poptarts we take with daily bread.
Breathing in forgotten sounds
Of walking backwards,
Where you slip and wonder
How he has not thrown so
Many punches
At the God-preachers who
Can be seen stalking
The blind, homeless man.

Rant

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:07:57 GMT

There are countless women who decay their own throats, so that the whites of their teeth erode into what could be mistaken for the back of a rusted spoon. Who find guilt only after they have gobbled down that last piece of rich, light cheesecake. Who cannot stand up against their bloated bellies, that bulge out, looming over these women like their own fattened shadow.

There are countless girls who are holding on to anything that pulls them in the wrong direction, giving into anything that disguises itself as control. These girls who obsess over the thinspo saved on their hard drives, day by day, curving and contouring their own bodies until the flesh has melted away and the bones become their only dog tag.

There are countless calories, saturated fats, carbs that are left being stared at by wanting, sinking eyes and minds and bodies.

There are countless chubsters, too, who eat because they can and want, and see that as a sin. The control of which they see in those emaciated corpses who walk by them is only a dream that is pushed further down by the Krispy Kreme just chewed up and swallowed as a glazed, irresistible friend of gluttony.

There are countless bodies that are carried with a swagger, whose curves work hard to keep up with the latest fashion. Whose owners are demeaned by the crash-, fad-, and never-ending diets that take a physical form in the bikinis of the high-tide boardwalkers.

There are countless women who walk past the window of a closed shop and adjust themselves to look like a skinnier version of beauty. Who cover their slip-ups and groan as they make their way to the closest fast-food joint.

There are countless beauties, who have let go of the world's image of perfection. Who eat and keep it down. Who walk and run and fly without a passing glance at the fat that may have escaped the folds of their clothing.

There are countless women who know that being healthy is not a warped frame of mind.

There are countless women who know.

Swinging In My Simplicity

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 19:57:02 GMT

They say I'm too young,
and just too unknown to the world.
That they can't, without a heavy heart,
expose me to my downfall.

What they see is a child- unwise and ignorant.
What I see is their world,
A world where they comprehend reality,
on a scale that I am not supposed to understand.

Away from my imaginary friends
and my far-fetched fairy tales,
they think I am helpless.
They think I am vulnerable.

But what they do not see,
is the world I live in.
The world I can engulf myself in,
as a carefree little girl.

They have lost that world,
to the shortcomings of aging.
And therefore have forgotten
what bliss it brings to one's heart.

They see me and my youthful mind,
and let me be.
They dismiss what I see as reality,
and brush off what I know for truth.

And what I do not see,
they will not show me.
They will not accept my views,
or heed my warnings.

They take me for a child,
and my world for child's play.

What they have yet to realize
is that my world lives for me.
While they live for a selfish world,
that only lives for itself.

Through my eyes,
I can see the dangers they overlook.
In my mind,
They are the foolish ones.

Yet, I am left without consultation,
still wrapped in the security of my own little world.
Watching them drift further into complication,
I am left swinging in my simplicity.

Thin Me Please

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 20:42:57 GMT

Thin me please, make me small,
Let me stand, lean and tall.

Limit my intake, feed my needs,
With calorie counters and scales to heed.

Keep my body flushed of will,
Until hair and fingernails grow shrill.

See my bones take a stand,
Lace these veins down through my hand.

Starve my hunger, eat only inside,
With no fat, or chub, or hate to hide.

Hollow choices will show blatant lies,
Only unnoticed through my own blind eyes.

A hunger by choice, a disastrous disease,
Keep me empty, thin me please.

Makeshift Grave

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 22:33:25 GMT

Oh damn, now look what I've done,
I've taken a fall, in front of everyone.

I've buried myself alive this time,
I've lost my soul to hide my crime.

And now I can feel my life draining,
My hands are stiff and my neck is hanging.

My knuckles, they are cracked and dry,
My bones, these bones, are now just dust in the sky.

The snow, I fear, has left its mark,
Its contoured around me, my own little arch.

I've sat for days in this makeshift grave,
And now there is no more life to save.

My eyes are hollow and my legs are numb,
And I've forgotten what I was running from.

But it's just as well that I lay here forever,
Even after the snow melts and the ice has severed.

For all the wrong deeds that I've forgotten,
My sin is what I deserve to rot in.

And they'll never find me, no matter where they go,
Because I'll melt away with the frost and the snow.

Years and years I'll whither away,
Beneath that frozen earth I'll stay.

Until the stems have risen high,
Then they'll know where I had meant to die.

My Spark of Creativity

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 02:46:27 GMT

C'mon let's get those creative juices flowing
I'm not sure what time it is but I've got to get going

As every moment passes my originality is diminishing
And even as I write this I am worried about finishing

There are so many things all locked up in my head
And if I unleash them, they'll keep coming 'til I'm dead

So this is a shout-out, a warning to you all
Keep your toes crossed, and your head tall

Because even as we speak I am inventing a new style
And this poem you're reading is my test trial

I hope you understand that I am at a loss for release
But just because I've stopped doesn't mean the ideas have ceased

And for all the singing, playing, dancing, and writing
Not just one of them content me, these outlets I am citing

I'm hoping, out of all these things, one of them will give
The expressionism I am seeking for me to live

But until I find what creates my song
I'll sit here, day and night, getting it wrong

You'll know when I have, at last, found my inspiration
Your eyes will be wide from the drag of my latest elation

I'll Stay Away

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:55:41 GMT

i dont believe what you said before
that no one here could open my door

that i would sleep alone at night
waiting for the sun's ancient light

ill be alone until he comes
the man that i cannot run from

well sit in the sand baking in the sun
well be in the sand, in the sun, in the sun, in the fun

our lives will intertwine for years
awaiting each step, erasing our fears

and time will pass and well move on
but ill still remember the green of your lawn

where we lay in the grass looking up at the stars
and sat on the sidewalk, counting the cars

but when you go, ill stay away
ill live life better with each new day

and when youre back to see who ive become ill be a different me
ill possess something new that you wont be able to see

and that will be my sweet release
my ambitions will flourish and my fears will cease

i'll love the past for what it brought
and the wonder of for love or for not

still ill wait, in the sand
to be with you, to hold your hand
~May 25, 2007

I Love

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 22:57:33 GMT

I love

And even if I falter- I love

And even if I lose- I love

Even if I get pulled under- I still love

That is how I love him

How I will always love him

Through the obstacles and the setbacks

I will always see him

His face

That face that keeps my heart beating steady

The face I wait to see

And will wait to see

Until I forget that there is anything else in this world to look at

I will only see him

I will only feel his pulse pumping through our interlinked hands

Only his voice will hold my attention

And that is all I will know

And that is all I will be happy with knowing

That as long as I wait

I will have my chance

To love

To love him

We love

And even if we falter- we love

And even if we lose- we love

Even if we stray- we will love

This is what I expect of love

And how I will always love

Love

Love him

I'll ALWAYS love him. I'll FOREVER MISS HIM.

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:57:50 GMT

Why is it I can't see
you in my dreams?
The past few years,
you've faded away, it seems.
But I still have your shirt,
the one you used to wear.
Although it's lost your smell,
It has not a single tear.
I can't seem to satisfy myself,
with those pictures of you
assorted neatly on the shelf.
And your motorcycle is long gone,
with it, all the rides you took me on.
Never will I wake to the sound of your guitar,
or ride down to Biggurts, in your luxury car.
Or find you in the garage,
fixing the Typhoon.
Or seeing you in the family room, thinking,
i hope he stops watching tv soon.
the go-cart, the dirtbike, and even the pits,
where that man who killed himself deep within sits.
playing monopoly and letting me win,
talking back to the cops, like its a sin.

always having a pen,
in your shirt pocket.
teaching me math, and me missing the bus.

saying yes, after mom had said no.
singing along,
me high, you low.
as stubborn as an ox,
i must take after you.
cuz it seems even if ive lost,
i still argue, too.
i know you knew,
cuz i heard you that day.
and honestly dad,
if i were to say,
my father is dead,
i could never bring myself to tears.
but its become so much easier,
every day of these three years.
you should see me now, dad,
i think youd be proud.
i sang just last week,
in front of a huge crowd.
im trying out for soccer,
over the summer ill train,
and maybe in the fall,
ill be running on that plain.
i cut my hair real short,
a year or two ago.
but now i miss the cut i had,
so its growing down again low.
blakes graduating,
and everyones going to see,
what your first born son,
did even though you werent there to be...
just to be our dad
because lord knows we need you
and even though keaton wont cry
i know he wants you back too.
and when i stare at your picture,
and miss you so much.
i close my eyes,
and remember your touch.
but nothing will bring you back,
especially my dreams.
where i cant even talk to you,
my mind loves to see me suffer, it seems.
all i can hope is ill see you once again
at this point, i dont even care when
as long as your there, and we can sit down and talk
you can tell me its okay,
we could even take a walk.

but, just right now, i need assurance,
that what im writing is true,
that someday, maybe soon, ill once again be with you.
~2005-06

Heart Strings

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 15:05:57 GMT

Wrap up the sin
that i am in
just break me free
so i can see
the wrath i feel
as i kneel
im looking up
to drink from this cup
of holy lies
that they hypnotize
into my mind
faking this kind
into my soul
which fills the subtle hole
but only temporarily
days later i will come back to be
black as all corrupt kings
sin tugging at my heart strings.

When I Die, Trail of Tears

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 13:06:55 GMT

When I Die
When I die,
will anyone remember me?
When they cry,
Is it me they will see?

Will I drop dead,
right onto the ground?
Like a tree falling,
Will they hear a sound?

Can I be guarenteed
I won't die alone?
Or will I I fall into the unknown,
Without anyone by my side?
~2004

Trail of Tears
An elder told me long ago,
A story he’d known for years,
About the Cherokee and their struggles,
Along the Trail of Tears.

He said the whites took their land,
And ordered them to move on,
And by the time the sun had set,
Every Indian was gone.

We lived in houses just like them,
We had an alphabet written down,
They only wanted us out of there,
Because our skin was brown.

So off they went across the land,
Along the hills and plains,
With nothing but what they carried,
The whites ignoring all their pains.

Their muskets lead this march of death,
Andrew Jackson right in toe,
But where exactly they were going,
The Cherokee did not know.

He said the mothers started to cry,
For the children they could not comfort,
And for every tear that fell from their eyes,
A white rose grew in the dirt.

For weeks and weeks their feet trudged on,
But not as many as before,
For death had riddled this beaten road,
The Cherokee couldn’t take much more.

Then, finally, they reached the place,
They had waited to see for so long,
But disappointment crossed each face,
For the land seemed very wrong.

The soil was not as rich,
For the farming they sought to do,
And the landscape was very different,
From the kind that they all knew.

At this, the Elder raised his head,
The look he gave was grim.
I could see from the sorrow on his face,
That this story was real to him.

And what he said, I’ll never forget,
His words have stuck for years,
“Never forget where our lives changed,
Along the Trail of Tears.”
~ Early 2007

I Hate You

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 14:43:41 GMT

I don't know why you have to do what you do,
but when my life is fine, you trudge right on through.

You take my fun and happy days,
and crush them with your piercing gaze.

My life is not for you to mold,
I have my own time, my plans to hold.

It's not like I sit and do nothing all day,
I work and I learn, and I deserve to play.

You never had a problem before,
not until I found a bit more.

I found more with a boy who makes me happy,
but the time I am 'wasting' is all you can see.

It's not fair to me if you take my free days,
It's not fair if I have to wait around in a laze.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I do.
I never thought I could or would, but it's so true.

I don't even want to be here right now,
I want to leave for as long as time can allow.

I'm sick of it here and I don't want to stay,
so I'm gone, it's over, I'm leaving today.

I don't want this, not any of it,
and I swear to God, I'm not gonna take this shit.

I hate you, your voice, your lies, everything,
I don't know whether to scream or to sing.

Because now I am going right out the door,
don't worry, I won't bother you much more.

You won't have to schedule your life around me,
I'll be long gone, as far from you as I can be.

So I am saying goodbye, forever and always,
I wish you joyful and fun-filled days.

I hope you find it easy to be,
without your daughter, without me.

Dear Dad, 5,6,7,8, Paper Knives, I Lay Awake, Sunflower, and Written Woes

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 01:55:46 GMT

Dear Dad
Dear Dad,
As I write this I cry,
because today was that day,
the day when all my emotions just melted away.
And only one thing mattered in the whole wide world,
which was you and the chance that you were going to stay.
That little bit of hope that shined bright in my eye,
until the time came (this I say with a sigh).
That time that is still so shocking and unreal...
...while I look to the sky and slowly I kneel,
and I lift my head up and feel the tears come out down my face,
asking God "Why do you go at this pace?"
To give us such gifts and then take them away.
Then, I scream to the clouds in the grass where I lay,
and I know my scream is heard around the world,
that it traveled to the heavens above the Earth.
I can feel you reaching out a hand,
so suddenly i can see across the entire land.
I can see all Death's victims and all their friends.
I'm thinking, these are all the lives that God brings to an end,
and i cant understand it or have it make sense,
feeling like a rock, so balled up and tense.
Then, there you are again,
like you always were,
holding me close, and feeling so sure.
So sure that i will trudge on through,
go on in life, with or without you.
But then, I ask "How sure can you be?"
"There are so many things that you still have to see."
"So many things that you were supposed to be with me for."
Then you sigh and you grin that grin of yours,
"I am with you, I am in your very core,"
"For ever and always, you dont have to worry."
"I will be right here, no matter what you do,"
"because you are my daughter, and I love you."
Love with all my Heart,
Pumpkin
~2003-04

*5,6,7,8*
Out on that stage, in front of the crowd,
when the music starts and the rythm gets loud,

And just before your feet begin to move,
you think back on rehearsals to get in the groove,

Then *5,6,7,8* the routine starts and everything seems to click,
all those nerves slip away, and with them, the feeling of being sick.

Drop your hands to the beat, move your hips from side to side,
for the next few minutes, your on a ride.

With the jumps, and the turns, and that attitude stare,
*dont lose the beat*, is your one single care.

The people in the stands watch with delight,
not knowing that half of your steps aren't right.

You hear the music slow and see the lights dim,
once your backstage, you can feel the effect in each limb.

Your feet hurt and every muscle aches,
from weeks of practicing, fixing all your mistakes.

But when you hear the roar of applause in the stands,
and you have straightened yourself out, water in hand,

You sit, ready and waiting,
to do it all over again.
~2004-05

Paper Knives
That skin wont bleed
with paper knives.
Those tears still fall,
between their lives.
Alone she'll stare through blurry eyes,
but oh how well she makes it seem,
when shes with them
how her eyes gleam.
No one sees what she hides,
behind her door under lock and key.
But, no matter how hard she tries,
that pen can't fake sweet sympathy.
A blade, but small,
will do the trick.
She needs the release,
if only a nik.
But a slip of the wrist
and a slice right through.
Now, they'll care, she whispers,
as her skin fades to blue.
~2005-2006

I Lay Awake...
I lay awake,
on sleepless nights,
and in the dark,
I see a light.
In this light, I see me,
the me that you wanted me to be.
Not the one who cant hold her own,
or the daughter that feels so alone,
But the girl who knows what to do,
even when she can't make it through.
Against the words of angry lovers,
be still the sadness that forever hovers.
I see myself as you want to be seen,
but I only see you as you have been.
Not quite there, but next to me,
only in spirit, so no one can see.
Not just the cries,
to be heard in the night,
but i see my father,
in that light.
~2005-06

Sunflower
A bright, cheerful sun,
basking in the grace of the wind,
as an admired beauty.
~4th grade? haha

Written Woes
A true happiness has gone since your death.
My eyes were veiled, but now I feel the tears.
As if life has taken away my own breath,
And waded me out to sea, through the years

Once so real, only idols in my mind;
I write in hopes that you can hear me, now.
Oh loneliness be nothing but so kind,
To show this love sympathy, please allow.

But now it seems as though I stand-alone.
No mouth to speak, nor words to form a line.
And those sorrows, every night I’ve known,
Only pen stopped, through written woes of mine.

So if we were born to live and then die,
Tell me why is it I sit here and cry?
~2005-06