That talks-to-himself person?
That walks-with-wolves person?
Ah,
No.
He is just the streetsinger,
Snipping your conscious flow of
Mind.
Cancelled out of time by the poptarts we take with daily bread.
Breathing in forgotten sounds
Of walking backwards,
Where you slip and wonder
How he has not thrown so
Many punches
At the God-preachers who
Can be seen stalking
The blind, homeless man.

There are countless women who decay their own throats, so that the whites of their teeth erode into what could be mistaken for the back of a rusted spoon. Who find guilt only after they have gobbled down that last piece of rich, light cheesecake. Who cannot stand up against their bloated bellies, that bulge out, looming over these women like their own fattened shadow.

There are countless girls who are holding on to anything that pulls them in the wrong direction, giving into anything that disguises itself as control. These girls who obsess over the thinspo saved on their hard drives, day by day, curving and contouring their own bodies until the flesh has melted away and the bones become their only dog tag.

There are countless calories, saturated fats, carbs that are left being stared at by wanting, sinking eyes and minds and bodies.

There are countless chubsters, too, who eat because they can and want, and see that as a sin. The control of which they see in those emaciated corpses who walk by them is only a dream that is pushed further down by the Krispy Kreme just chewed up and swallowed as a glazed, irresistible friend of gluttony.

There are countless bodies that are carried with a swagger, whose curves work hard to keep up with the latest fashion. Whose owners are demeaned by the crash-, fad-, and never-ending diets that take a physical form in the bikinis of the high-tide boardwalkers.

There are countless women who walk past the window of a closed shop and adjust themselves to look like a skinnier version of beauty. Who cover their slip-ups and groan as they make their way to the closest fast-food joint.

There are countless beauties, who have let go of the world's image of perfection. Who eat and keep it down. Who walk and run and fly without a passing glance at the fat that may have escaped the folds of their clothing.

There are countless women who know that being healthy is not a warped frame of mind.

There are countless women who know.

They say I'm too young,
and just too unknown to the world.
That they can't, without a heavy heart,
expose me to my downfall.

What they see is a child- unwise and ignorant.
What I see is their world,
A world where they comprehend reality,
on a scale that I am not supposed to understand.

Away from my imaginary friends
and my far-fetched fairy tales,
they think I am helpless.
They think I am vulnerable.

But what they do not see,
is the world I live in.
The world I can engulf myself in,
as a carefree little girl.

They have lost that world,
to the shortcomings of aging.
And therefore have forgotten
what bliss it brings to one's heart.

They see me and my youthful mind,
and let me be.
They dismiss what I see as reality,
and brush off what I know for truth.

And what I do not see,
they will not show me.
They will not accept my views,
or heed my warnings.

They take me for a child,
and my world for child's play.

What they have yet to realize
is that my world lives for me.
While they live for a selfish world,
that only lives for itself.

Through my eyes,
I can see the dangers they overlook.
In my mind,
They are the foolish ones.

Yet, I am left without consultation,
still wrapped in the security of my own little world.
Watching them drift further into complication,
I am left swinging in my simplicity.

Thin me please, make me small,
Let me stand, lean and tall.

Limit my intake, feed my needs,
With calorie counters and scales to heed.

Keep my body flushed of will,
Until hair and fingernails grow shrill.

See my bones take a stand,
Lace these veins down through my hand.

Starve my hunger, eat only inside,
With no fat, or chub, or hate to hide.

Hollow choices will show blatant lies,
Only unnoticed through my own blind eyes.

A hunger by choice, a disastrous disease,
Keep me empty, thin me please.

Oh damn, now look what I've done,
I've taken a fall, in front of everyone.

I've buried myself alive this time,
I've lost my soul to hide my crime.

And now I can feel my life draining,
My hands are stiff and my neck is hanging.

My knuckles, they are cracked and dry,
My bones, these bones, are now just dust in the sky.

The snow, I fear, has left its mark,
Its contoured around me, my own little arch.

I've sat for days in this makeshift grave,
And now there is no more life to save.

My eyes are hollow and my legs are numb,
And I've forgotten what I was running from.

But it's just as well that I lay here forever,
Even after the snow melts and the ice has severed.

For all the wrong deeds that I've forgotten,
My sin is what I deserve to rot in.

And they'll never find me, no matter where they go,
Because I'll melt away with the frost and the snow.

Years and years I'll whither away,
Beneath that frozen earth I'll stay.

Until the stems have risen high,
Then they'll know where I had meant to die.

C'mon let's get those creative juices flowing
I'm not sure what time it is but I've got to get going

As every moment passes my originality is diminishing
And even as I write this I am worried about finishing

There are so many things all locked up in my head
And if I unleash them, they'll keep coming 'til I'm dead

So this is a shout-out, a warning to you all
Keep your toes crossed, and your head tall

Because even as we speak I am inventing a new style
And this poem you're reading is my test trial

I hope you understand that I am at a loss for release
But just because I've stopped doesn't mean the ideas have ceased

And for all the singing, playing, dancing, and writing
Not just one of them content me, these outlets I am citing

I'm hoping, out of all these things, one of them will give
The expressionism I am seeking for me to live

But until I find what creates my song
I'll sit here, day and night, getting it wrong

You'll know when I have, at last, found my inspiration
Your eyes will be wide from the drag of my latest elation

i dont believe what you said before
that no one here could open my door

that i would sleep alone at night
waiting for the sun's ancient light

ill be alone until he comes
the man that i cannot run from

well sit in the sand baking in the sun
well be in the sand, in the sun, in the sun, in the fun

our lives will intertwine for years
awaiting each step, erasing our fears

and time will pass and well move on
but ill still remember the green of your lawn

where we lay in the grass looking up at the stars
and sat on the sidewalk, counting the cars

but when you go, ill stay away
ill live life better with each new day

and when youre back to see who ive become ill be a different me
ill possess something new that you wont be able to see

and that will be my sweet release
my ambitions will flourish and my fears will cease

i'll love the past for what it brought
and the wonder of for love or for not

still ill wait, in the sand
to be with you, to hold your hand
~May 25, 2007

I love

And even if I falter- I love

And even if I lose- I love

Even if I get pulled under- I still love

That is how I love him

How I will always love him

Through the obstacles and the setbacks

I will always see him

His face

That face that keeps my heart beating steady

The face I wait to see

And will wait to see

Until I forget that there is anything else in this world to look at

I will only see him

I will only feel his pulse pumping through our interlinked hands

Only his voice will hold my attention

And that is all I will know

And that is all I will be happy with knowing

That as long as I wait

I will have my chance

To love

To love him

We love

And even if we falter- we love

And even if we lose- we love

Even if we stray- we will love

This is what I expect of love

And how I will always love

Love

Love him

Why is it I can't see
you in my dreams?
The past few years,
you've faded away, it seems.
But I still have your shirt,
the one you used to wear.
Although it's lost your smell,
It has not a single tear.
I can't seem to satisfy myself,
with those pictures of you
assorted neatly on the shelf.
And your motorcycle is long gone,
with it, all the rides you took me on.
Never will I wake to the sound of your guitar,
or ride down to Biggurts, in your luxury car.
Or find you in the garage,
fixing the Typhoon.
Or seeing you in the family room, thinking,
i hope he stops watching tv soon.
the go-cart, the dirtbike, and even the pits,
where that man who killed himself deep within sits.
playing monopoly and letting me win,
talking back to the cops, like its a sin.

always having a pen,
in your shirt pocket.
teaching me math, and me missing the bus.

saying yes, after mom had said no.
singing along,
me high, you low.
as stubborn as an ox,
i must take after you.
cuz it seems even if ive lost,
i still argue, too.
i know you knew,
cuz i heard you that day.
and honestly dad,
if i were to say,
my father is dead,
i could never bring myself to tears.
but its become so much easier,
every day of these three years.
you should see me now, dad,
i think youd be proud.
i sang just last week,
in front of a huge crowd.
im trying out for soccer,
over the summer ill train,
and maybe in the fall,
ill be running on that plain.
i cut my hair real short,
a year or two ago.
but now i miss the cut i had,
so its growing down again low.
blakes graduating,
and everyones going to see,
what your first born son,
did even though you werent there to be...
just to be our dad
because lord knows we need you
and even though keaton wont cry
i know he wants you back too.
and when i stare at your picture,
and miss you so much.
i close my eyes,
and remember your touch.
but nothing will bring you back,
especially my dreams.
where i cant even talk to you,
my mind loves to see me suffer, it seems.
all i can hope is ill see you once again
at this point, i dont even care when
as long as your there, and we can sit down and talk
you can tell me its okay,
we could even take a walk.

but, just right now, i need assurance,
that what im writing is true,
that someday, maybe soon, ill once again be with you.
~2005-06

Wrap up the sin
that i am in
just break me free
so i can see
the wrath i feel
as i kneel
im looking up
to drink from this cup
of holy lies
that they hypnotize
into my mind
faking this kind
into my soul
which fills the subtle hole
but only temporarily
days later i will come back to be
black as all corrupt kings
sin tugging at my heart strings.